Combat Cold Cuts!
by livesinshadows19
Summary: Just a crack fic that I wanted to write to get my juices flowing once more!


Okay my loyal readers, even though I know some of you are more than ready to kill me for a certain cliffie, I am going to attempt to return! I also have some great news for you all. During my leave of absence, I have gotten married to a beautiful young woman, who is only three years older than me (THAT'S RIGHT I GOT A COUGAR BITCHES! He-hem. Anyway...), and I am more than proud to announce that sometime in February of this new year of 2015, I am going to be tha father of a beautiful little girl!

Anyway, with the matters of my personal life out of the way, since I know some of you people don't give a shit, onto the matter of my stories. This work is nothing more than a crackfic, a oneshot, something to get my creative juices flowing once more. I hope you like it, and now on with the show!

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Walking into a town that seems to be in the midst of preparing for a festival, a pair of men could be seen. The taller of the two, by a large margin, had spikey grey hair in a pony tail that went down to his ankles. The hair was kept out of his face by a headband with two horn-like protrusions coming from the tob with the kanji for 'oil' on it. His clothing was more reminiscient of a kabuki actor, especially when one notices his wooden geta sandles. His face was scar free and he was a good looking fellow with a small wart on the right side of his nose and two blood red lines cascading down his cheeks from under his eyes. This man was none other than the great Gama Sennin of Mount Myoboku, Jiraiya.

Beside him was a young man with blonde hair that looked like it was a gift from the sun itself, along witht he most dazzling blue eyes you had ever seen. He had three whisker-like markings on each cheek, while his mouth was in the form of a giant grin at the moment. his clothing was... well... more noticeable than his counterpart, to put it gently. It was a neon orange jumpsuit with blue covering the shoulders and a white collar surrounding his neck in its entirety. This young man also had a secret that few people knew of outside the village of Konohagakure, but was known by all adults in the village. The younger generation knew nothing of his secret, and the blonde prefered to keep it that way at the moment. This young man was Uzumaki Naruto, and he was the container of the Kyubi no Kitsune, the Nine-Tailed Fox.

Looking up to the older man beside him, Naruto spoke up and brought the perverts attention to himself. "Hey, Ero-Sennin-Sensei, what are we doing in this town anyway?"

Growling under his breath about disrespectful brats, Jiraiya cleared his throat before answering. "Well gaki, this town is about to throw a festival that is a very important part of this region of Hi no Kuni. Through my spy network, I found out that there are going to be some bandits coming in tonight to try and plunder the town."

Grinning, Naruto interrupted his sensei as he finished the explanation with a surprising amount of intellect for those who personally know the blonde. "So we're going to stop them so that nobody in the town gets hurt right?"

Nodding to his student, the Sennin tapped the side of his nose. "Right on the head, gaki. Tonight we are to defend the town from the bandits so that by tomorrow, the festival will be able to begin with no problems."

Grinning even wider, Naruto pumped his fist in the air and gave a victorious shout. "Alright! One major can of Naruto-style whoopass coming right up!"

Facepalming at the ridiculousness of that statement, Jiraiya just led the blonde to the hotel they would be staying at. "Whatever you say, kid. Let's just go check in and get some rest before tonight."

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Late that night, after all of the villagers had gone to sleep, Naruto and Jiraiya were perched on a rooftop waiting for the bandits to show up. The two ninja didnt have to wait long, as the aforementioned bandits began walking in through the front gate.

Turning to his student, Jiraiya gave a nod and watched as the blonde put his hands into a cross shaped hand sign with a vicious grin. "Alright then, let's get wild! Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Suddenly, the bandits found themselves surrounded by poofs of smoke that soon faded away to reveal an equal amount of Naruto clones to the amount of bandits that had shown up.

"Hey! Since when are there ninja in this village!?" shouted one of the bandits as he readed his club.

"Since right now idiot! Ready guys!?" shouted one of the clones.

With a great shout, the army of clones began chasing the bandits throughout the town, with the real Naruto jumping in with a mad and gleeful cackle.

Looking down at the carnage that was ensuing in the town, Jiraiya couldn't help but sweatdrop at his young apprentice. "Maybe this wasn't the best idea..."

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With one of the clones, he had two kunai out and was swiping at the bandit, practically playing with him, as he kept slicing his clothes to ribbon and making the bandit scream like a little girl. Grinning with a mad gleam in his eye, the Naruto clone held his kunai up so the bandit could see them clearly. "Now you see them."

Throwing the kunai into the wooden ceiling of a shop awning above them, they quickly got stuck in the wood with the bandit following their every move. "Now you don't!"

Jumping up, the clone grasped the handles of the kunai and kicked the bandit in the face, sending him flying into three more bandits behind him and knocking them all unconcious.

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In another part of town, a clone was fighting a group of five bandits in a toy store. The bandits had him surrounded and the clone was trying to think of a way out of the situation he was in. Looking to his right, the clone quickly got an idea. "Wait wait wait!" The clone shouted when the bandits tried to rush him.

The bandits stopped in confusion as the clone grabbed a yo-yo and began doing tricks with it. "Look, walking the dog." The clone began making the yo-yo bounce along the floor before sliding to his knees and spnning the yo-yo around his head at full length of the sting, making it strike each bandit in the temple and knocking them unconcious. "And then, around the wooooorld!"

In the same toy store, another clone was being chased by a lone bandit. Comming across what looked like a childs training dummy that rocked back and forth with each hit, the clone stopped and began pushing it back and forth when it came up with an idea. "Yeah, ye-yeah..."

Taking the place of the dummy on the rocking part of it, the clone waitied until the bandit came through where he was at. Upon seeing what looked like a dummy in the shape of the kid he had been chasing and paying that fact no mind at all (1), he began pushing it back and forth with a light chuckle. When the clone came back, it quickly flicked the bandit in the nose, chuckling lightly. The bandit, getting mad at the 'toy', pushed it harder than before.

The clone, finding a foam toy that squeaked when hit, grabbed it. On his way back, the clone quickly began hitting the bandit with the toy, making fake fighting sounds as he did so. Tossing away the toy, the clone lifted his arms and began chasing the bandit while shuffling his feet quickly enough to give chase while the bandit panicked and ran away.

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Meanwhile, the real Naruto was fighting three bandits at once outside of a deli. Quickly ganging up on him, the bandits picked the blonde up and threw him over the counter of the deli, the blonde shouting in panic for a moment. A lone bandit peekd over the counter to see if the blonde was still awake, whiched proved to be a bad idea for him. The blond leapt up and quickly grabbed the bandit, pulling him over the counter and to the floor. "Come here!"

The other bandits watched as meat and bread and other items leapt around in the air as the two fought behind the counter with the blonde repeatedly jumping into the air and shouting nonsense. "You want a pickle?! I'll give you a pickle!"

Climbing over the counter and sitting atop it, the blonde found two links of meat attached to each other by a string on both sides of his head. Grabbing them, the blonde began spinning them around like nunchucks while laughing like a maniac. "Combat cold cuts!"

Screaming in fear of the insane ninja, the bandits ran away from the village in full tilt, the blonde running after them with that gleeful grin still on his face. Once the bandits made it out of the gate, the blonde threw the meat links at them. "And next time I'll use mustard!"

Humming to himself, the blonde walked back into the village while wiping his hands and dismissing his clones. All Jiraiya could do was just look at the blonde with a deadpan expression before hanging his head. "This child is going to be an idiot for the rest of his life."

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And there we go! Hopefully you all liked it. Now, as for the (1) thing up there, how the HELL did that thief NOT NOTICE THAT THE TOY WAS SHAPPED JUST LIKE DONNY!? HUH?!

He-hem, sorry. Lost my cool there. Anyway, again this was just a crackfic to help me get my muse going again. Hope to see plenty of reviews! 


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